The times that are the most challenging for me to be alone are in times of transition. These are the times of thinking about life and needing practical help with things and constant self-talk to get me through the given situation. Sorting is a great example of that. I pick through papers I have kept for at least three years and some I might have even carried out here (so I’ve had longer.) I tell myself over and over again that it’s all going to burn in the end anyway. And those kids I know and love will draw me another picture.
These are the times I long for a partner, or even just a good friend to work by my side and say that encouraging word to get me on to the next step. But that is not what God had ordained for me. And even though it doesn’t feel right somehow I know God isn’t wrong. Maybe I just needed to learn that self talk - how to encourage myself. But evidentially I never actually learn it because I’m in the same mode in transition again.
In fact, I have found myself longing for a much more permanent life than one like I’ve had here. And while living with a transient or living permanent mindset are neither intrinsically good or bad, perhaps God is telling me something in what I long for. It’s hard. I want to make sure that I don’t have to live without a status or move often. I want to settle. But at the same time, if I hadn’t become so settled here, the breakdown or my life on this side wouldn’t be nearly as hard and unsettling.
If I do find myself in a permanent situation next, would I then become indifferent to God’s work to call me to live simply and trust him for the future? There are no easy answers. But I am walking through this – one day at a time.
These are the times I long for a partner, or even just a good friend to work by my side and say that encouraging word to get me on to the next step. But that is not what God had ordained for me. And even though it doesn’t feel right somehow I know God isn’t wrong. Maybe I just needed to learn that self talk - how to encourage myself. But evidentially I never actually learn it because I’m in the same mode in transition again.
In fact, I have found myself longing for a much more permanent life than one like I’ve had here. And while living with a transient or living permanent mindset are neither intrinsically good or bad, perhaps God is telling me something in what I long for. It’s hard. I want to make sure that I don’t have to live without a status or move often. I want to settle. But at the same time, if I hadn’t become so settled here, the breakdown or my life on this side wouldn’t be nearly as hard and unsettling.
If I do find myself in a permanent situation next, would I then become indifferent to God’s work to call me to live simply and trust him for the future? There are no easy answers. But I am walking through this – one day at a time.
2 comments:
I know exactly what you mean, Jan. Exactly. And honestly, I'm in that place about 95% of the time. I think what has been most helpful to me in processing that was someone reminding me that this earth is not home and we were given those longings for a reason-- they're meant to be a reminder of our heavenly home, the end we were created to meet. They're the same groanings that all the orphans adopted by Jesus and all creation have, as we live in our already/not-yet world. Whether nomadic or settled or married or at home or away, we all "groan inwardly, as we eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved."
Ahh! it cut me off:
And then after the diagnosis comes so much hope, "The Spirit helps us in our weakness... intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." And "We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." And "He who did not spare His own son but graciously gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?" and "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?"
I love Romans 8, especially when I'm feeling those longings. And I am, even now. Just keep preaching the Gospel to yourself. That's the best motivation I can imagine.
Love you and praying for you, Jan! Can't wait to see you!
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