There are just some things that are challenging...

I wish I was an easygoing person. My mom was. In fact, she was the antithesis of the stereotypical worrying, doting mom. That’s not to say she didn’t care about her five children or spoil us from time to time. But she just didn’t have a big agenda for her kids and she was gifted with a pleasant attitude and encouragement that she bestowed on everyone.

I suppose when your mom has been gone for over five years you might think that all the bad memories are faded and one can only remember the happy, fond things that happened. But my mom really was all that wonderful. I could fault her for things, and I can still remember those things. But she really was an extraordinary mom in nearly every sense.She could come and find that article of clothing in my closet that I had been trying to find for a half an hour; she’d pull it right out in a minute. She was a good cook (even though she didn’t really enjoy cooking all that much.) She had her own sense of style. She was incredibly talented and artistic! For example, if I wanted a new hairstyle as a teen she could draw it with my face so we could decide if it would look good on me or not.
I was a happy child until I got to my moody teen years. Then I turned into a dark person. That changed when I met Jesus at age 16, but until then I credit my survival through those years to my mother. Without her I truly believe I wouldn’t have made it. So in a way, God used her to buoy me along until I heard the Gospel message in a clear manner.

For her I am most grateful to God. I still love my mom and miss her ever so much. I don’t know that I will ever have such an incredible deep love relationship with another human being the way I did with my mom. But I will continue to look to God who is the ultimate lover of my soul and who knows my depths more than my mom ever did.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Lightening the Load

One of the main tasks these days is sorting and getting rid of so much stuff. It is therapeutic in some ways, but it’s also telling how I can accumulate in such a short time. (I didn’t go buy all this stuff, some of it was given to me others left.) As I was preparing for the big sale I went through the utility drawer in the kitchen and pulled out all the flashlights that I had but wasn’t using to add to the sale items.

Among them was a hand crank light that I had been given. The small instructions warned that it should be cranked every few months to keep it current and it should be cranked for at least a minute every time. I had been cranking it for a bit before I stopped to read the directions. Then I timed cranking it for a minute. It still had no flicker of light. Into the garbage it went.

A vague thought crossed my mind as I tossed it, the street men that pick through our garbage will wonder what this is. A few days later I was rounding the corner in my residential area, a corner where the street men sort of hang out and I saw a guy sitting there cranking away with a beam of light coming through his hands.

The scene only registered in my head after I passed. I smiled. I was free of something I deemed garbage and this man found it and had the patience to get it working again. Now he had a battery free flash light of his own. It made me happy.

Lonely Part of Life

The times that are the most challenging for me to be alone are in times of transition. These are the times of thinking about life and needing practical help with things and constant self-talk to get me through the given situation. Sorting is a great example of that. I pick through papers I have kept for at least three years and some I might have even carried out here (so I’ve had longer.) I tell myself over and over again that it’s all going to burn in the end anyway. And those kids I know and love will draw me another picture.

These are the times I long for a partner, or even just a good friend to work by my side and say that encouraging word to get me on to the next step. But that is not what God had ordained for me. And even though it doesn’t feel right somehow I know God isn’t wrong. Maybe I just needed to learn that self talk - how to encourage myself. But evidentially I never actually learn it because I’m in the same mode in transition again.

In fact, I have found myself longing for a much more permanent life than one like I’ve had here. And while living with a transient or living permanent mindset are neither intrinsically good or bad, perhaps God is telling me something in what I long for. It’s hard. I want to make sure that I don’t have to live without a status or move often. I want to settle. But at the same time, if I hadn’t become so settled here, the breakdown or my life on this side wouldn’t be nearly as hard and unsettling.

If I do find myself in a permanent situation next, would I then become indifferent to God’s work to call me to live simply and trust him for the future? There are no easy answers. But I am walking through this – one day at a time.

Fuel Shortages in Nairobi

I hadn’t noticed that there were petrol (gas) shortages this week until Wednesday evening when some of my small group members mentioned it after our meeting. Guess I have been in my hermit hole trying to sort and pack so much so that I haven’t even been keeping up with the local news. It’s still not quite clear what happened. I suspect the problems in Libya don’t help but it appears that the Kenyan government is blaming oil marketers for either not being ready for our holiday last weekend (Monday was Labor Day in Kenya) or suppliers are creating a problem to enable price hikes.

I debated trying to eek by on my just over quarter tank of petrol but slowly realized nothing recovers quickly in this country. So I felt inclined to join the queues today. I carried my Bible and a good attitude and managed to get in and out of the third station (first two were out of fuel) in just under an hour. In addition to getting my daily Bible reading in, I had some amiable chats with the workers and other customers that were queuing.

Another memory created. I am going to miss this place.

Last weekend I took part in a huge sale…

God is so good to me. I came home for my Easter trip and hit the sorting and pricing work pretty hard. I still had to get out of the house once and a while and my roommate moved out last week too. But otherwise I had my nose to the grindstone. What can I fit in the car that isn’t yet sold or still in use?

Saturday morning I was up early. A young man from my small group came over and helped load up both our vehicles. Off we went. I had asked a couple friends to pray for the weather, we’ve been having a lot of rain… it was overcast, but turned into a sunny day.

We joined the ranks in the parking lot at West Nairobi School and set up my wares next to many other sellers. In what seemed like no time at all there were throngs of buyers begging for discounts on this or that.

My standard line was that I’m not bargaining yet, try me in the last hour or so if it’s still here I may reduce the price. It’s a good thing I had Ian helping me – if someone was pushing too hard I’d send him or her over to Ian – he could be firm without getting irritated.

Although I got a little sunburned, I’d call it a very successful day. I actually cleared about $780. I still can hardly believe it. Maybe it just goes to show the cost of living is higher here, even at a huge rummage sale.

Between Tears and Laughter All Day

I realized at some point today that I keep switching between being on the verge of tears and laughing out loud. This back and forth pretty much depicts how I feel in general about leaving.

It’s a holiday here, Kenyan Labor Day. So it’s actually pretty quiet out there. I zipped down to the office at Daystar to get a few things done. It’s the best time since no one is around.

I decided to stop at Yaya Mall on the way home – I just needed one or two items from the store. As I walked in the entrance I heard in a little Kenyan accent, “Hi Auntie Jan!” I looked up to see two “nephews” who were killing time by walking up to the mall and back from home. The greeting came from my friend Marta’s 13 year old adopted son who is absolutely delightful. As I walked away I thought about how I would miss such a greeting when I’m back in the US.

As I was choking back the tears, a few paces later and I saw the former Vice Chancellor from Daystar. We hadn’t seen each other in months as he now works at a different university. We exchanged warm greetings and I let him know I was leaving soon. I told him to greet his wife for me in case I don’t see her before I go. (She still teaches at Daystar.) I walked away nearly laughing at God’s kindness for a “chance” meeting of Prof Nguru when I had not even wished or expected it, yet such a welcomed meeting.

When in the mall I spotted a striking woman with very unique hair. I would bet she was Ethiopian, based on her features, but her hair was something between an elaborate Ethiopian style and dreadlocks. She was beautiful! When she caught me looking at her, I smiled at her and she gave me a genuine smile back. I thought about how people in America will often tell you off for looking at them and would probably never smile. I thought I will miss this. Another small sadness.

I dashed through the shop and headed out the door when someone else called my name. A friend I needed to pick something up from. It was such perfect timing. Another happy blessing.

So it goes for this nostalgic gal. I will spend the rest of my days here going back and forth between happy and sad, pleasure and distain. Then I will get a plane and travel for 24 hours with no sleep and I will be even more emotional upon arrival.

Constantly Thinking of Things to Blog

Sorry for the silence. I know my faithful 8 readers want more to look at. :)

I just haven't had a ton of time to actually sit down and write them out. If someone comes up with some kind of voice software that I can record in the car and then just load it and it'd be typed up on the computer, I'd be blogging all the time.

Maybe there is such a thing.