Monday, November 22, 2010

I Don't Have It Down

There are times I’d like to believe that I have this missionary thing or this living in another culture thing down. I’ve dealt with all kinds of situations, I know what to expect. For the most part it’s true, I do, but there are parts of me that never seem to overcome my American view in certain situations.

In August I wrote about wishing I were rich to be able to help out the needy students I meet who are worthy of help but not getting it. I’m wishing that again. I also wish I had a better way of dealing with the needs I see around me. There are set procedures for students applying for funding but there are limited funds. Struggling helps build our faith in God to care for us. I truly believe this.

I guess the thing that I wish was different is how I feel. I wish felt in my depths the “right” feeling for dealing with the fact that I cannot meet the needs of those I really want to. And the balance of knowing how to help those I can. I have even been presented with very real needs outside of the students at Daystar, and ones that move me to tears for wanting to do something more than a month’s worth of groceries or paying half a month’s rent for them. It’s not solving anything long term. But I can’t really figure that out either.

I struggle too. I am not a gifted fund raiser. I can’t even get my own funding up to full support, let alone care for a refugee and her daughter who needs medical care. And the best I can do tonight is vent about it here. Maybe it will build my faith too. But tonight I’m just frustrated.


Anonymous said...

This is heartbreaking, Jan. And I so totally hear you-- I struggled with the same sorts of things when I was in Romania, except that as a woman, I'm literally not allowed by the missions organization to help the starving children begging on the street, because they will follow me home with their "pimps" (for lack of a better term, think Slumdog Millionaire) and get me mugged, abducted, or seriously harmed. No matter where you are, it's a horrible thing to see people suffering and to not be able to do anything about it (or at least feel like you can't). I guess all we can do is pray and trust that the Lord who is the father to the fatherless, Jehovah Jireh, our refuge and our strength will be merciful and benevolent. I will be praying with and for you, Jan.

Rachel Maves and Family said...

Good thoughts, Jan, though no simple formulas or solutions are forthcoming. I am sure that the Lord wants you to keep these things before Him, to continually seek His wisdom, and to keep loving those around you with His love.

clminn said...

Very thoughtful, Jan.
You know I have had those thoughts in a lighter way, not the everyday seeing of these people that you have.
Hard to understand God's plan... but he sees BIG picture and we don't get to see it.